Hey guys.

Hey,

Mr. Blog

Hiya, its me again, i decided to talk again, feeling kinda low, really going to explain why im so miserable. I dont understand life much anymore, i cant say im happy anymore, i cant pretend, i love but do not feel. I dont know what to do anymore. where to turn, i found someone that ic an talk to, but its wrong of me to talk to her, i guess. Allie doesnt like it, but i do it anyway because its cool. Its not like i want to leave allie for her or anything i dont have any kinda feelings for her, i just enjoy talking and listening to her, i dont understand it either, and i never will.

I feel alone, working at gas station eats at you, or its just me taking everything to the heart like i always do. Most likely the later. I feel like im alone all the time, at work school and home, and i feel my phone keeps my going, talk to allie, or joe, or my mom, or tim, just contact with the people i know, even though i dont know themwell. But still i love hearing from people no matter who it is, ill carry a conversation, Allie doesnt like i talk to nikki, a manager from wendys, who i talk to still. She's a cool person, had a tough life, i dont know anything about her, I delte my messages off my phone, because i dont want allie to see. Not because im hiding a secret, but the fact that allie doesnt like that i talk to her because. Nikki is fun to talk to, similiar in emotion, not really happy, but can hide it well. I know this about her, but thats about it it. well couple things, but really not much. my problem is, I dont talkto allie, i dont know how to be a boyfriend, i know how to be a friend, and thats what i was to allie, and we took it further, so i dont know what to do, i would die without allie, but i feel like im holding her world away from her. Her daughter. She misses her, but loves me, and says she doesnt want to raise her baby right now, but she has told me she always wanted to be a mom, and learn what she was deprived of. So i feel like i am robbing her, and taking her away from her kid.


Anyway i erase these messages of just talking like hey how are you, and i was talking to her how i feel alone and things, because i dont feel like i can talk to allie about everything, i guess we dont really know eachtoer as much as we thought we did. but what do we do? were so far in so far along its crazy, i feel like were married but worse, fighting loving and fighting some more. I dont know where to turn.

I talk in circles but thats how my mind processes things. in circles.

Allie just texted me Closing :), which means she will be home soon, i cant blog around her, its hard, i talk about things that well i dont care if she read but it might make her upset you know.

And i dont really want to cuddle i want tobe alone,because that fits the feeling now, and thats what she wants were really different if you think about it, She likes companionship alot, like to the max, and myself, i like aloneness too, but i enjoy companionship, just a little less. I dread tomorrow. i dont want to be a zombie anymore, i dont want to be alone, im scared of what has to come in life. I dont even know my major in college,i say accounting but i dont know what i want, i mean iw ouldent mind, but i cant like others find what clicks, even veternary medicine never clicked, i go with the flow, and live as time progresses. I like writing things, but i have notihng to write about, like i feel i could write well if i learned, but i have no teachers, and really not looking to learn right now, im sick of school, i want to find myelf before i make myself something for the rest of my life,i dont want to choose a profession, i want to find my self, but i dont think i have time. there is never enough time. Its now 12:18 and im typing, i have to go to work in 12 hours, which is cool i can play a game, and sleep and relax, but relaxing is never relaxing because no matter what i do, i get angry, oh if you dont know mr, blog, i get angry.

I got pretty drunk the other night, and a some drunk last night, it is not the escape and i will not continue to do to escape i would like to do it with friends but not all the time, i enjoy being careless, but i know and i will make sure of it, drinking does not help problems, it makes them worse. I found that i dont have a tolernace like i did before, i drank like 5 beers and felt it some, was in control, but buzzed almost drunk. the night before i got trashed. Drank alot, like drank this concoction of 5 types of lickers oj, and cranberry juice, played beer pong, i love beer pong, i love physics, i love how things work, how a ball bounces and lands in a cup, I feel an acomlishment of like wow, i did that when i get the ball in the cup. I love the physics of projectiles, how me aiming, just not really trying i do well, im good at beer pong sober, and ok when drunk.

So back to the work thing, i told boss to cut me back a little but it didint really work, he makes it worse most of the itme, because people quit or get fired, so im fucked i guess. if i dont get off next sunday which i requested two weeks ago, im calling off. Or quiting, dont care anymore, i dont like to feel like i need something, or someone. I dont know. i really dont.


I feel like a corpse just functioning like im suppose to work sleep school a little fun and repeat. There is no median of change. Its just constant of the same thing, i know there is so much more to life, but im in a rut already at 18, so young, but i feel so old,i feel like i have walked 10,000 miles, through everything, but i dont have the knowledge, i feel but i do not know, i love but i do not feel. I sleep but i do not rest. i live but i do not see.

Goodnight, allie will be home soon, and i feel like i cant blog other wise i woudl do this for days, jus type thoughts.

I dont want change, but i want things to be better, so i dont know how to fix my problems.

Thanks alot.

Will